It was a few years into depression that I really began to recognize that I was numb.
Being numb is an interesting place to be. I have always been a religious person. I have always had a relationship with my Higher Power. So when this waned, I was confused–at best. I wondered if I had done something wrong. I will never forget days and months and years of feeling little to no emotion. It really felt like the heavens were closed to me. I continued to trudge forward…because I had faith in my God. But I had no idea how all of this was going to turn out; I had no idea at the time if this depression was truly a permanent part of my mortal experience; I had no idea how deep and dark it was really going to get. I didn’t cry anymore and I didn’t feel truly happy. I moved through life trying to feel the genuine emotions that come from struggle and pain, happiness and joy. The lack caused so much guilt and frustration.
But I felt alone. So alone. In a world swimming with people, with friends and loved ones who would have succored me had I let them in, I was alone. There were days when I felt abandoned by God. I did not understand it. I thought I was doing everything I should to feel Him.
I did not think that anything could change. There were periods where I felt okay. There were glimpses of God’s love; there were moments when I knew He was aware. There were times when I felt inspiration in my stewardship as a mother and as I reached out in my neighborhood. But I went a very long time subconsciously believing I had done something wrong and that was why I felt little of heaven’s power in my life.
As I have unlocked depression in my own life, I realize that these feelings are a part of the illness; they are NOT an indication of misdeed.
Numbness. It’s real. It’s a casualty of depression. But it does not need to stay. The numbness began to break as I began to get to the root of the depression. It was like the sun began to shine again. I had had years of bondage. Coming out of it made me feel like a butterfly emerging out of a cocoon! If you are feeling numb, hang on. You’re fighting for something much greater…something that you CAN overcome. I know because it happened to me and I’m watching it happen to many around me.
Hang on. Don’t give up. Keep trusting in your Higher Power, whoever that is. Do not allow the numbness to overtake you and convince you that you are unlovable. Do just ONE thing today that tells your brain that you are more powerful than the numbness–get dressed, walk around the block, listen to an uplifting song, smile, read in a good book, find one KEY on this blog and do it…
You do have a choice. Choose movement…It matters!
(originally posted March 2015)